Gardener of my mind.

The world is big

big enough that I feel small and I think I’m getting smaller.

I’m shrinking back into myself and I’m shrinking back into my thoughts.

I collude deep inside the crevices of my mind.

My thoughts shut the doors and close the windows

I haven’t figured out how to open them again.

If the world is so big and I am so small how do I get any bigger?

How do I grapple with things I can’t understand?

How do I feel when there are bristles in my soul?

How do I explain the difference I understand between myself and those around me?

I feel the difference like a ice cold wall between my heart and the hearts of others

Every now and again I come up against it

I pound it and my hands turn red from the cold

but I can’t melt it on my own. It’s too thick. It’s too hard. It’s too big.

The world is big. Too big, sometimes.

And I’m small, sometimes getting smaller.

Shrinking and weaving through my thoughts and feelings like a blind man

Stumbling into something I didn’t mean to and learning to walk by the things I do.

Make the world smaller. Take it in with each breath you breathe.

I may not be able to handle the bigness and calamity of the noise around me

I may not be able to fathom the destruction brewing in the sounds of others

I may not be able to trust a first try or a second

I may finally trust a third try, I may not.

I’m learning to live with the things I can’t see

I’m learning to dance around the heaviness of what I don’t understand

I’m learning to welcome the tears when they brim my eyes

I’m learning that the bigness is overwhelming

The world is overwhelming

Life is overwhelming

I am overwhelmed sometimes

And that’s ok.

The things I feel in the moments that carry the most weight aren’t permanent

The perfection of life that I’ve crafted in my head isn’t accurate

The rawness that I grasp when my foundations begin to crack is necessary

Teaching me that life and love and people I care about most are fallible

I’m human. I make mistakes. So do others.

The perfection I view the world in doesn’t exist.

It’s crumbling

It’s falling into the bigness

It’s shrinking inside me

It’s falling back on my fall back

I’m done with the fall back.

I’m going to start pushing back.

I’m going to push the bigness into itself

I’m going to show you how to speak

how to breathe

how to eat and drink when you’re pushing back.

I’m going to show you that when a version of the world is fading, a new version is coming

I’m going to laugh when the sun decides not to rise

As it does on the days where I feel the depth of bigness more than others.

The crevices in my mind that hold all the thoughts I’ve been learning to weave through

Are going to start to be the ground where I plant the best things

The things that I’m proud to look at:

The flowers and the eucalyptus,

The fruits and the redwoods.

I’m planting big things in my crevices

The things that will grow to overtake the bigness

And sometimes I’ll tend to the seeds in my chasms with care

Because I know the potential requires consistency

And sometimes I’ll forget about the seeds in ignorance

Because fighting the bigness is heavy and long

But I’ll keep trying

I’ll keep pushing

I’ll keep growing the big things in the cracks of my mind

And one day they’ll be massive redwoods and sweet smelling eucalyptus overtaking the thoughts I’ve weaved through

One day there will be colorful flowers and delicious fruits that will nourish my thoughts instead of making me blind

I yearn for that day. But for now, I’m learning to be the gardener of my mind.

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