This week was not at all what I expected it to be. (Part I)

Sitting in Colour Conference 1 was unreal. Being on Venue Safety and not being fully engaged in what was going on was actually a challenge.

Can I tell you a secret? Last year I didn’t get it. Maybe I was too hard hearted or numb. Maybe I just wasn’t in a season where I really could connect with the message and heart of this conference (the problem was most definitely me related). Whatever it is, I didn’t deem Colour a big deal and didn’t have any sort of personal connection to the conference whatsoever.

Can I be honest again? This past year has sucked. 2015 was terrible. Someone told me at the beginning of the year (quite prophetically): You know the saying “it’s going to get worse before it’ll get better”? Well, for you it’s going to get way worse than you think possible. Not worse, but worse than that and even worse than that. Then it’ll get better.

So here I am, sitting in the second row on the floor, so close to the stage you don’t actually have to look at the screen, and I’m listening to Judah and Chelsea Smith talk about marriage.

“This is cute,” I think to myself.

They’re comparing different seasons in life to when music suddenly changes when you’re dancing. It’s really clever. I’m intrigued. I listen as much as I can as I continually scan the aisle and keep up with the whole venue safety of it all. They’re joking with each other, being real with each other, talking so much wisdom about marriage and… well… I’m not married so I assume I’ll just store this away for later.

The session starts to come to an end and Judah Smith launches into more of a pastoral moment. He begins to describe how the music might have changed in our own lives. Then he starts speaking on divorce.

“Some of you have been walking through a music change or season of divorce,” he says. Then continues to talk about what that might look like.

But the minute he says it, my heart deflates.

It was almost instant. It’s like that word was a button that set off some sort of bomb in my heart and everything exploded.

I hadn’t even been fully engaged in the session.

I quickly tried to pick up the scattered pieces and wipe away the tears as soon as they came but I couldn’t stop them.

I tried to cute cry. I tried to put my head down. I’m not allowed to close my eyes but the word was reverberating in my heart. I felt my chest start to sob.

That’s me. I’ve been walking through that season. Not in the typical sense, of course. This past year that word has been thrown around like confetti and yes, that hurts and that’s hard, but even worse than that I’ve had to divorce myself from people and situations or maybe people and situations have divorced themselves from me.

I’ve been grieving and grief is ugly and tricky and messy. Grief wraps around your heart and squeezes at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. Sometimes it squeezes out tears. Sometimes it squeezes out anger. Sometimes it squeezes out pain. You’re never quite sure what you’re going to get.

In that moment, grief squeezed and in that moment, truth was spoken:

“You’re loved.

He is your strength in this season.

He is your best friend.

He is for you…”

These simple, simple truths that I’ve heard my whole life started making my heart sob in a new way. I felt a glimmer of hope make my heart beat alive again.

I didn’t even know I had been hopeless.

I quickly wiped away the gush of tears that followed and resolved to meditate on this later.

Isn’t it amazing how something so simple can be profound? How about how God can take a session on marriage and turn it around to run you straight through your non-married soul? I think maybe we glance over these simple truths because we’re so familiar with them.

We forget their power.

We become apathetic to the truth when we hear it too much and so God has to push through the cracks we’ve allowed Him to be in until everything those cracks were holding up (that we probably built) crash around us.

And it’s hard, but it’s so beautiful.

And I’m raw, but it’s what I need.

And maybe you need it too. It’s not as big of a deal as we think it is. But maybe you just need to know today, like I did, in a way that you’ll actually hear.

So shut out the music or background noise for a sec, and lean in close.

Take a deep breath.

Close your eyes and then open them slowly and read this:

He loves you.

He’s your best friend.

He knows what you’re walking through and He is for you.

He is your strength in this season.

He is your safe place.

Don’t let it become mundane or normal that the King of Kings and Creator of the Universe is all these truths to you. 

Because it’s upon this foundation that He’s going to work in your life in a mighty way, at least that’s what I’m believing for my own life. If you’re keen let’s believe it together.

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